Surviving Stressful Family Holidays: My Strategy

The festive season rolls around, and instead of joy and laughter, you're filled with dread at the thought of navigating family gatherings. Whenever families gather, with multiple expectations, traditions - even trauma - stress is on the menu.

In this second installment of the “how to deal with holiday stress” mini-series, I share my insights, tips and strategies for navigating multiple types of holiday family stress. Want to make your holiday season smoother? This one's for you. Take a listen, and be encouraged… you have choices, my friend.

Stand tall and let's navigate this holiday season together.

Tips & strategies for dealing with the stress:

GRACE: Remember, there are truly very few people who WANT to ruin anyone else’s special occasion. Especially a holiday. We all need a little grace.

• Truly examine and (maybe) change your expectations - then look at how you can make different choices next year.
  • Have the “players” changed? (mom…)
  • Have the circumstances changed? (money…)
• Examine and explore your own ABC’s
  • Assumptions - look at your assumptions for yourself and for others
  • Beliefs - have they changed? Do they need to change? 
  • Conditioning - Examine your “supposed to…” statements for a specific holiday. 
    • Feel like? 
    • Look like? 
    • Duration?
    • Represent?
• Gift yourself some counseling or coaching
• Healthy Boundaries Make Happy Holidays Masterclass https://www.theintentionaloptimist.com/healthyboundaries  Make THIS holiday season happy with different expectations, AND joyful anticipation! Healthy boundaries based on your core values allows for conscientious and respectful boundary setting for a holiday season YOU decide you want to experience.

Things to do instead of the traditional celebration:

• “Friendsgiving”  - Beth Felker Jones email/article
  • “I love that the celebration of “Friendsgiving” has been gaining steady ground. We need friends. Most of us could stand to de-center the nuclear family and open up doors to more friends.”
• Travel
  • maybe not on “the busiest travel day of the year…” but where might you want to go?
  • Christmas in as many cultures as I can…
• Create your own traditions - especially if you have children. 
  • Redefine your ABC’s, Expectations, Core Values, Boundaries
  • Redefine who does what?
  • Redefine where, and why you celebrate?
• Try out holidays from other cultures

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

You're listening to Stand Tall and Own it, the podcast for high performing female leaders who are ready to make an impact by discovering the safety that comes from understanding their own value and exercising their own authority. I'm your host, andrea Johnson, and I'm here to tell you it is time to just truly be you, my strong friend. It's time to Stand Tall and Own it. Hey there, welcome to another episode of Stand Tall and Own it. I'm your host, andrea Johnson, and I am in the middle of a small I'm going to call it a mini series of ways to deal with different stresses from the holidays. This would be kind of episode two of that particular series, and we're going almost all the way through the end of the year with these. So you're going to want to subscribe and stay tuned, because there are all kinds of things that we deal with during this last couple months of the year. No matter what culture you're in and no matter where you are or how happy you think you are, there's always something that we're dealing with, and I just wanted to take a few episodes and kind of walk us through them. So, between you, right now we're in between the US Thanksgiving and Christmas, and so there's all kinds of things that go along with that, and last week, in our last episode, we looked at expectations and understanding how communicating them and understanding them, especially for ourselves and for those that we love, will alleviate disappointment and resentment. So if you haven't listened to that one, scroll back and listen to it. They don't have to be listened to in order, but expectations, really understanding them, really kind of sets the stage for some of the other things we're going to talk about throughout this series, and today we're going to talk about something that I have always considered to be a little bit of a triggering statement. It's family gathering for the holidays. There's always stress involved. It doesn't matter how in alignment you might be with all of your family's expectations or conditioning. For me it started long, long, long ago, and I'll tell you about that in just a minute, but it could be that you've alleviated your stress by figuring out how to do something about it, or you may have successfully navigated and negotiated your way out of any of the expectations, which is amazing. But I think there's ways that we can deal with it, and it doesn't matter what kind of situation you're in, but usually in all of the holidays that we have somewhere between like mid-October to mid-January. There's family involved and when family is involved there is always stress, whether it's just your nuclear family or if it's your big extended family. And boy do we all have stories right?

Speaker 1: 2:36

I did a quick Google search because in my mind there were at least six or eight holidays in between mid-October and mid-December I mean mid-January, but I actually found a site that has 20 celebrations and that's probably not all of them. If you Google all the different cultural holiday celebrations, they span from literally October to March. If you want to include the Christian holidays, going all the way to Easter, that can be March or April, but I'm going to go with some. Let's just talk about a few of the bigger ones. In November here in the United States, I think in Canada, thanksgiving in October, but we have Thanksgiving in November. Diwali this year is in November, christmas and Hanukkah or in December. Kwanzaa is in January. This year Lunar New Year actually falls in, I believe, january, and that's for, like several of the many of the Asian countries that celebrate Lunar New Year and that can be a very big family celebration.

Speaker 1: 3:34

So, really quickly, my holiday stresses began all the way back when I was a baby. My parents met in high school and their parents lived only five miles apart. But my dad was a pastor, so we lived in Wyoming and then we lived in Korea and anytime we would come home for the holidays we would split the four of us and my family between two houses. So my mom and my sister would usually stay with her parents and me and my dad would stay with his parents, only five miles away, but we were split between two houses. So we never had like this when we were there. We never. This is in Southeast Texas. We never had like this little cohesive unit where we got up and did this happy family thing on Christmas morning because we celebrated with my mom's family on Christmas Eve and my dad's family on Christmas day. And that sounds like a really good compromise. But and I'm probably going to do a whole other episode on this not before the holidays but the difference between collaboration and either compromise or I don't know, I guess that's the word I want to use compromise. And just because we've compromised doesn't mean that it's good. It means that somebody's being left out somehow.

Speaker 1: 4:44

But then my family, when I was seven years old, moved to Seoul, korea, as missionaries and all of my holidays there. When we were, there were just us. It was just the four of us, or maybe we had some friends over, we did something with some of our neighbors, we lived down a missionary compound and when we were just us, I mean, I have amazing memories of my house that had a big stone fireplace wall, kind of like the Brady Bunch, and my mom had one of those long capiche-shell lamps that went all the way to the floor and my grandparents would send amazing gifts that were just so creative. The one that I remember the most was my grandfather. My mother's father sent us lunch boxes one year and the thermoses were filled with M&Ms and we couldn't get M&Ms and so for us it was the best. He's like take one of these a day, take one a day, they should last you all year long and I'll send you another set next year, you know. But that meant that we were just with us, but then when we'd come home on furlough, we would have that split thing again. So there was never this. This is how we do Christmas right. It was not this like major tradition.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Now, after college, my parents came home and they were living in Virginia, and after college I would come home and unfortunately, my mother was very adamant about my future marital status and she would, in all hope and I don't know what she was doing, manifesting it, maybe she would sometimes, depending on the holiday, place an extra plate at the table for my future husband. Now he's upstairs in my house now. He's thrilled. She did that, he's thrilled to be the extra place, but that was really that made my Christmas and Thanksgiving very traumatic. Then when we first then we got married at 20, I got married at 27. So this went on for several years. I spent my first because we were. Now we're going to split holidays between my husband's family and my family and we're talking specifically Christmas because that's kind of the big holiday here in the United States and I think around the world there's a lot of countries and cultures that really celebrate that.

Speaker 1: 6:54

But when we first got married, because of when people who were already married in the family were coming home, we decided to alternate, starting with my in-laws, and we stayed. We went for the very first Christmas. We went to Florida and my in-laws were living near Pensacola, or not my in-laws, my sister-in-law was living near Pensacola and it was my very first warm Christmas. I didn't really know what to do with it.

Speaker 1: 7:21

Being raised in Korea Now, texas was warm, but not like that, not like Florida. And being raised in Korea, I was used to having a white Christmas, and even in Texas, a lot of times it was really like 30 degrees on Christmas, you know, and it was 80. And there were family and cultural differences like do you make ham or turkey, do you? It's like all the traditions got mashed up and conflicted. And we don't turn on the air conditioning at Christmas because it's the winter time. Why would we turn the air conditioning? We'd just open the windows and I had nothing but warm clothes and so I was hot. And it explained why. Later on, when they would come to Kentucky, to my in-laws house, their kids would all be in shorts and flip flops and they'd always be cold because they were in Florida.

Speaker 1: 8:06

But that was like this huge mashup and conflict and it went on for years and then, in 2017, my mother died and all the traditions that she had and all the things that she had wanted to have once she was gone, it just wasn't the same, and so now my in-laws are in assisted living. My dad is remarried, but he's also kind of in an assisted living, not assisted like independent living in my in-laws are too, so nobody can really host. It's all different. So everything has changed. So there's all kinds of stresses that go along with it, and I just decided there's only so much tradition I can do because I have a nearly 15 year old and I have to do my thing, and so I wanted to share with you that there are things that we may or may not notice. We think we've compromised, we think we've come to a good conclusion, but these are real stressors during the holidays.

Speaker 1: 9:48

So I want to walk through just a little bit of the types of stress. Let me check on my notes here how you deal with those stresses. What are your options of doing things instead of going along with the traditional stuff and just kind of see where that hits you? Because this is going to be I'm hoping it's fairly short. It's going to go a little off the cuff, it gets a little long, but I'm hoping that this will be a good kind of checklist kind of episode for you to say, yep, I'm just I'm feeling that maybe I need to do this and here's an action step I want to take. So what I'm probably going to do is put a lot of this in the show notes for you and we'll see whether or not I get an email out on it for your newsletter.

Speaker 1: 10:26

But let's talk about the different types of stress. For me, looking back through historical family issues, there was some of it is what we would call traumatic stress. There are things from our past. There's the traveling overseas and having a whole different culture, dealing with Christmas in a whole different culture and then coming back and having culture shock back and forth. That was stuff that I dealt with. And then having that traditional conflict or culture shock with my in-laws families. This is normal. It is unusual for someone to marry into a family and then find that the traditions are magically all the same. That never happens. What if you're somebody who doesn't really like traditions? What if you're somebody like me who I like traditions but I like making my own? What if you're somebody like me who doesn't really like a lot of the holiday food? And that's going to be all next week. The next six episodes is all about food and how we treat ourselves and how we love on ourselves in the midst of all of this.

Speaker 1: 11:22

But historical trauma, things from your past those are big deals, like maybe that I have a friend that's something Very traumatic happened on a specific holiday or a specific day in her life and so she doesn't celebrate it because it brings back horrible memories. So there's all kinds of things that can come up as as trauma, current loss, you know, knowing that my mother is not here, we, almost every year we my husband and I talk about how much we miss my mom. It's very normal to talk about grief and loss. Then there's disappointment, and the disappointment with the different traditions happened. But there were years that, when my parents were still overseas, that I would go to my grandparents for things, and it just wasn't the same. And One year my husband and I drove down all the way down to Southeast Texas from Fort Worth and we're driving back and I cried a good 45 minutes home because of like a six hour drive. But it was because I was so disappointed because, as I talked about last week, I had expectations that things would be a certain way, and so that was something that was very difficult to Understand and learn to deal with and learn to accept.

Speaker 1: 12:30

And that brings me into my second type of stress, which is those, the stress of expectations, and if you haven't listened to episode 153, please do so. It's really. I think it's really helpful. It was very helpful for me, kind of getting it all out there, but it'll give you all kinds of ideas on how you can look at your own expectations, other people's expectations, learn how to communicate them well, learn how to To examine what yours are and how you can make sure that you know what other people are expecting of you. So much of that is Communication. So there's the expectation, the stress of expectations. There's also the stress of Holiday, family stuff with boundaries, and this is going to be I think it's two episodes down the road where we're going to be talking about boundaries. But I definitely have something to share with you later on in this episode. So stay tuned, because I have a mini course that's like a digital course.

Speaker 1: 13:22

That was kind of a master class On setting boundaries, especially based on your core values. So when you don't have good boundaries, when they're not solid, when you're not able to tell your family I don't want this or I would like to do something different, for instance, um, we are I'm recording this right before Thanksgiving, I'm going to my sisters and I don't want the traditional stuff, so I'm taking other types of things, like one year I did poached pears and Beautiful brown soda bread. This year I am bringing acorn squash and they've never tried it and I'm going to cook it like open with pecans and butter and sugar, brown sugar and stuff. But tell people what your boundaries are and understand what they are, because when they are messed with and they happen all the time with our family because our family is close to us that's a huge stress. So let's talk about ways that we can deal with stress.

Speaker 1: 14:14

And the very first thing I want to say to you is please give yourself grace in this area and other people grace in this area. Very few people really want to ruin anyone else's special occasion, especially a holiday. I was being interviewed on a podcast this last week and we were talking specifically it's an entire interview on core values, and she was asking me about how you know when people undermine or stomp on or Somehow invalidate our core value. Um, how do we deal with that? And I said well, first you have to remember that they may not know it's your core value. And and she said most people don't necessarily think in the way that is against you, but they think what do I want now and they don't realize that they're asking you to do something that's outside of your boundaries or core values. So the very first caveat here, with your family especially, is grace, please remember. They don't usually want to ruin, they just want their own. They have their own expectations, they have their own boundaries.

Speaker 1: 15:21

So let's talk about some tools. Um, the first one is to truly examine and maybe change your expectations and then look at how you can make different choices next year. It may be too late this year for when this is coming out for Thanksgiving. But there's other, like if you celebrate Diwali, if you celebrate Kwanzaa, or if you celebrate Christmas or Chinese or lunar new year instead of Chinese new year. Um, if those are ones that you do, take a look at your expectations.

Speaker 1: 15:47

If you have a minute before you go, write down what your expectations are and then ask yourself, like I shared in last week's episode Are they realistic, guys, this is this reasonable. Is it reasonable for me to expect that I'm going to be able to do everything I want to do for the holiday, or is it reasonable to expect that I'm going to get to do one thing and that everybody else gets to do the one thing they want to do, and then also ask yourself to Examining those expectations. Are you expecting things based on an old cast of characters, for instance, has? Have the players in the play change? We've lost my mother, and so the the play or the players in this particular holiday, you know, game or play or presentation or whatever is not the same, and so I have to remember that the sparkle that she brought to things, the energy that she brought to things, is never going to be there. We all bring our own energy and it's a little bit different. So I have to look at my exam and I have to look at my expectations and examine whether or not that's something that I can actually do.

Speaker 1: 16:51

But the other thing is what about circumstances? Have circumstances changed and do you need to change your expectations based on them? For instance, several in our families have said you know what money has been tight and it would be nice to not do a gift exchange for everybody, just for the kids. So on my side of the family we only do gifts for the children and there are ways in which it makes me sad because we don't have that fun ripping open, but we also don't have that stressful that I get the right thing, having all the lists that are involved, you know, etc. And so knowing that circumstances have changed, that may be, you know, money is a really good example of that. Or it also may be like my in-laws are now in a smaller house, they can't host everybody, so we have to stay in different places in order to have Christmas with them.

Speaker 1: 17:39

And so just little things like that are really good to truly examine and say what are my expectations For this particular holiday. And if you can do it, even on the car ride there, it'll open your eyes because you'll be able to say, oh my goodness, I have this expectation and it can't be met. There's no way it can be met, or this is reasonable and I think maybe I'll communicate it to everybody is that I want this holiday to be peaceful. I would like to not argue about certain things. I would like to not have those conversations. So this, that's the first tool. The second tool is to look and I've talked about this. It's like a and just beat in a drum all the time.

Speaker 1: 18:13

Examine and explore your own ABCs, your assumptions, beliefs and Conditioning. For instance, what are your assumptions? And this goes along with expectations for others? What are you assuming that they're thinking, assuming that they're doing, assuming that they are participating in? It may be that that's not at all what they want to do, so why do you have those assumptions? Take a look at them and just say these are my assumptions and I need to decide whether or not I need to hang on to those.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Your beliefs could sometimes Change, right? I mean, look at me in Thanksgiving. I used to be all about the Thanksgiving and, but now I don't even. I don't even need to celebrate it at all. But I have multiple reasons why I don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving. Some of them are United States, historical reasons for not wanting to celebrate and the social injustices for our native peoples. Some of them are the food. Some of them are the Giant expectations that everybody has that this is a family holiday and if you don't have everything, just right, then it falls apart, and then we'll talk next week about how, eating all these meals, there's no such thing as a nap in like full bliss. It's just nothing for me, that's just nothing but Drog, gastric drama and it just feels bad.

Speaker 1: 19:27

So for me, looking at or for even for you, look at what your beliefs are have your beliefs changed at all? And what? What do you want to communicate with others or what do you want to just kind of hold close to yourself and say I Don't agree with everybody else about this right now and it's okay, I'm just gonna hang on to my belief? But then look at your conditioning and again, just as a reminder, in the iceberg model the assumptions are way at the top. The beliefs are something that we are a little bit more usually very cognitive of and understand, but our conditioning is way below the surface and it's a whole lot of stuff. Talking about my first Christmas with my Husband's family, my conditioning was it's going to be this way and I expect these things. And if it's not this way, for instance, I want to say she made ham and I was really upset because we had always had turkey, because my dad doesn't like ham and I didn't Understand why there wasn't a turkey on the table for Christmas and she's like it's not Thanksgiving and so there was these conditioning pieces that I didn't even Even realize we're there.

Speaker 1: 20:30

So, as you examine your conditioning, look at things that are supposed to be for a specific holiday. What is it supposed to feel like right? Is there supposed to be a certain atmosphere in the air. What is it supposed to look like? Is there supposed to be certain decorations or is the weather supposed to be a certain thing? How long is it supposed to last? What is the duration of the holiday, even this year, because we go back and forth. We're going to my husband's family for Christmas and my sister-in-law has grand babies and she's going to spend Christmas with them and then come, but even the travel plans of, well, how long are you going to be there? If you leave early, then we won't get to see you. It's like, what is the duration, expectation and conditioning of what you think this holiday is supposed to be?

Speaker 1: 21:12

And the other Conditioning piece that we rarely look at is what is the holiday supposed to represent? What does it mean? Right, for Christmas and Easter, which are, you know, traditionally Christmas Christian holidays you have a lot of. You know it's that Jesus is the reason for the season and Easter is that he is risen, but there's a lot of secular or Community and cultural things that have been kind of lumped in with that holiday and have, quite frankly, we all celebrate those wonderful things, but what is it supposed to represent, and are you making it represent something it doesn't need to anymore, and so I think when you look at not only your Expectations, but when you explore your own ABCs, you will actually discover some things that will help you navigate the stress with your family this Christmas.

Speaker 1: 22:00

And the last tool that I want to share with you is a masterclass that I mentioned earlier called healthy boundaries make happy holidays, and it's all about Understanding how your core values help you determine your boundaries and how you can have literally walk through some exercises and some information in this brief little masterclass. I think it's like an hour, so you can do it on your way there or, if you do it on your phone, you can do it at home, you can do it tonight, you can do it whenever you need to, but the whole point is to make this holiday season happy and different, with different expectations. Maybe you can approach it with joyful anticipation. Healthy boundaries based on your values allows you to be conscientious and respectful as far as boundary setting is concerned for you and to decide what you want to experience. I'm putting a link for this in the show notes. It is not, it's like $6.75. The price of one of those special Starbucks venti holiday cup, thingamajiggies. If that's something that you would do, so give yourself a really nice little. My mother would call them a happy. Give yourself a happy this season and check out or purchase the healthy boundaries, make happy holidays course, because it will also included in that as well is a 10% off from a core values course and 10% off on disk services, because when you start understanding yourself, it's easier to examine your ABCs, it's easier to set your boundaries, it's easier to deal with the stress, because you know who you are.

Speaker 1: 23:31

So the last piece I'd like to leave with you is some options that you can, things that you can do instead of a traditional Christmas or traditional holiday, and so these are your instead options. So let me know if these resonate with you, because they all resonate with me, of course. So the first one is a friend's giving, and granted, this is coming out after Thanksgiving in the United States, but you can do this at any time. And my niece just did this with her best friend because they're going to be traveling, and she called my sister and she said do you mind if we do a friend's giving with them before we go? They're traveling over the holidays. And my sister said, no, enjoy.

Speaker 1: 24:11

And I then, literally that same day I got a newsletter in my email inbox from Beth Velker Jones, whom I love. She's a professor of theology in, I think, nordham Seminary and she this is her quote from that she said I love the celebration of friends giving. She said it's been gaining steady ground and part of that is because we need friends. Most of us could stand to de-center the nuclear family and open up doors to more friends. It makes us more open and accepting, which, y'all? If you haven't looked at any of the tenants of intentional optimism, this is a perfect opportunity to do that, because when we are wise and present, we are open to other people being in our inner circle. So a friend's giving is or a friend's mess maybe is a really good option for you.

Speaker 1: 24:59

But another one, if you don't want to do something like that, is to travel. Maybe not on the busiest day of the year or the time of the year which is Thanksgiving, but where might you want to go? I have a dream that later on in life we are going to start experiencing Christmas in any culture that we can find as many cultures as we possibly can, partly because I just want to experience those things and I'm learning that holidays don't have to just be about family. They can be about the holiday instead of just about family. Another one is you can create your own traditions, especially if you have children. You can redefine what the holiday means for you. I was so impressed.

Speaker 1: 25:38

I had a colleague that I served with on staff-centered at the University of Virginia and he said we bought a house down at the outer banks and we spend Christmas down there. And I said but you have a four-year-old. And he said Anna, two-year-old. And I said how did you do that? And he said we just told our families this is what we're doing. If you'd like to see us, you can either come or we'll see you on another day. And I'm like, wow, how did you do that?

Speaker 1: 26:00

But they established early on traditions that worked for them and we have small traditions in our family. We have family movie night every Friday. We do other things during the holidays. We watch specific movies and you get to redefine things. You can redefine your ABCs, your expectations, your core values and your boundaries will help you figure all of that out. You can redefine and decide who does what right. So maybe it's not the matriarch that cooks all the food. Maybe everybody brings potluck. You can redefine who hands out the gifts. You can redefine whether or not you want to actually spend the night somewhere. One of the beautiful things about our family is being a little closer now and us having a Christmas Eve service at church is that we have to stay here for Christmas Eve. So we do Christmas Eve opening of presents for our family and then we do a stocking exchange in the morning on Christmas and then we drive to wherever we're going this year it's North Carolina but just figure out who does what and then figure out where, maybe even redefine where, you spend it and why.

Speaker 1: 27:02

The first Thanksgiving after my mother died, we none of us really wanted to be at home, and I like to travel, and because Thanksgiving's not my favorite holiday anyway, we all went to Myrtle Beach. It was actually pretty fun and it was nice to be at the beach during November, and so there are things that you can do and decide and redefine where, based on your new tradition, you wanna spend the holiday and why. The other thing is just like I mentioned before you can try out holidays from other cultures. Maybe Thanksgiving is not something that you wanna celebrate for various incendiary reasons. Maybe some of them are similar to mine. But what if, instead, you did Lunar New Year? What if, instead, you did Kwanzaa? What if instead, you did Hanukkah? I mean, there's all kinds of things you could do. Just try new traditions and new things.

Speaker 1: 27:51

So I hope this has not been a complete overload for you. I'm gonna add some of these lists into the show notes and for sure I'm adding the link to the boundaries course so that you can understand what healthy boundaries, how they can make happy holidays, if not necessarily all of this year, for sure next year, because you'd have a whole year to work on them. But here's the deal. I just want you to remember my friend you need to understand you. You deserve to understand you. I'm gonna say it this way your family deserves for you to understand you in order for you to interact with them in a way that is gracious and kind and true and authentic to who you are. So when you understand you, you know your core values, your boundaries, your disquiring, all of your assumptions, beliefs and conditioning which constantly show up. I had a friend say something this week and I was like evidently I have a conditioning in that area and I need to examine it. You just never know when they're gonna pop up, but doing this kind of work for you is a great gift to yourself.

Speaker 1: 28:51

So please let me hear from you. Let me know what resonated with you. Let me know if you have ideas for different traditions that you can change out or ways you can do things differently. You can DM me on social media Instagram and LinkedIn. You can email me at Andrea at the intentional optimist, and I will atcom and I will definitely respond back to you. Of course, youtube is available. If you're not watching this on YouTube, and you can always reply with comments and anything like that. Please leave us a review if this was helpful and share this with somebody. I'm sure you know somebody who's got family trauma that they need to learn to deal with, and this would be a really good opportunity for them. So until next time, stand tall and own it.